I Was Jealous Today

Dear SAHM friend,

I was jealous of you today.

Today, as I rushed to work this morning thinking of the day that lay ahead of me, I was jealous of the lazy summer morning you might be having. I was jealous of the early morning snuggles and pancake-making you might be enjoying, instead of a stressful commute to work.

While I enjoyed my hot coffee, I thought of you, caught in the world of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Paw Patrol, trying to squeeze in a few moments for yourself between breaking up fights and the requests for more snacks.

While I ate the healthy adult snacks and lunch I packed, I thought of you eating the leftover goldfish crackers and mac and cheese your kids left on the table that served as your lunch. And though my lunch was a bit more nutritious, I’m sure your company was better.

I rushed to get done as much as I could before leaving early for my five-year-old’s ballet recital dress rehearsal. I didn’t get nearly enough done and forgot a few things. I thought of how that affects my job and work performance, and how I feel about myself at work. I thought of how that stress isn’t a part of your life, and that a 5:30 pm dress rehearsal arrival wouldn’t take nearly so much rearranging for you.

I rushed around to buy brown mascara and blonde bobby pins for my very blonde daughter, making use of every spare second I had. I thought of how your life, while busy as well, must have a different kind of timetable, a different way of making use of that time. I thought of all the things I wish I could get done during the day that I instead have to find pockets of time for and schedule to the max. I thought about how flexible your schedule might be, and how I would handle that.

We rushed to dress rehearsal, where I dropped off my little girl to the volunteer moms backstage, slightly cringing that I just couldn’t find the time to be one of them, that I just couldn’t take on one more time commitment. I said a silent thank you to the moms that are able to take that on. I cringed again at the thought that through all of that preparation, I didn’t take a single picture of her, all ready to go.

I waited for my husband to arrive at dress rehearsal, fresh from a long commute with our 19-month old. I hate that commute, but we both do it every day, and our girls have just had to get used to it. I imagined a day where we wouldn’t have to take our toddler on a 45-minute commute – one filled with Disney songs and motion sickness prevention. I thought of how that experience is so foreign to your life, and I was jealous that your children don’t have to experience that.

I took my youngest home from there to get her to bed at a decent time, while my husband stayed with our 5-year-old. When they finally got home way past bedtime, I thought of the new day coming tomorrow, and how it wouldn’t stop just because she was tired. As we rushed through her bedtime routine, I thought of how I’ll be telling her teachers in the morning to try to get her to rest at nap time. I thought of how if I were a stay at home mom, I could simply let her sleep in tomorrow. But I’m not.

Today, my friend, I was jealous of you. So incredibly jealous of you.

I know tomorrow will come, and we will push through as we always do. I know the days will pass by. I know my kids, my husband, and I will all grow a bit more resilient and we’ll find ways to make this life work for us. We always do.

But today was a hard day. And today, SAHM friend – I was jealous of you.

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5 Comments

  1. Michelle
    June 6, 2018 / 8:57 am

    I understand how stressful those early arrival times are when you have to commute, do hair and makeup on a wriggly kid and still get them to the rehearsal ready to sit (sometimes for a long time) backstage and dance when it’s their turn! After my dancer’s first year, I started volunteering but, I take PTO so I have time to prepare myself and pack all of her stuff (since she is now in 8 numbers in one show and 2 in the other, this is more of a challenge). Then, I pick her up early from school so neither one of us is stressed by hair and makeup. You do find the balance that works for you and your family, I promise! 😀

    And, my dancer went to school super tired today too, I’m hopeful she makes it through the day!

  2. Chris (Mr.) Beer
    June 6, 2018 / 11:50 am

    Babe … your a Super Mom. Don’t ever forget it.

  3. Bonnie
    June 9, 2018 / 8:50 am

    I remember those days as a working mom, I’m a SAHM now- we had the long commute back then to keep the kids in a good daycare/preschool and Man that gave me so much guilt! But you are killing it! Your girls see you doing it all and right now they may not get it, but when they’re older and doing the same thing they’ll look back on days like that and wonder how you managed to pull it off- and know that you are definitely Wonder Woman in her Mom uniform ❤️

  4. June 10, 2018 / 7:15 pm

    Girl you are not alone! I feel each and every one of the feelings you do! It’s crazy how working moms and SAHM for that matter both have their difficulties in their lives but somehow us moms make it work! Keep on keeping on mama!

  5. Lauren
    June 11, 2018 / 10:14 am

    All the honesty! Go girl. Never forget you are more than enough to those sweet kids

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