I have struggled for months with what to do with this space – this place of mine, a little slice of the internet where I’ve shared my thoughts, my family, my life. I haven’t really known what to do with it after the trauma of the past two years.
I miss writing. I miss sharing. I miss the sense of community we had as a new space, back in the early days of blog hops and commenting on your favorites every day. Over the years, that space has disappeared and been replaced with a much more commercial one – and there are good parts and bad parts to that.
It’s also hard to know what to write when the world feels so incredibly heavy. It all just seems like too much. I was talking with some friends today and we are all in some stage of sickness – infections, colds, stomach problems, etc. Our bodies are just weighed down, weak with the state of the world, weak with everything we’ve had to endure over the past two years.
I don’t need to hash it all out for you – we all know what they’ve been like. It’s been harder for some people than others. It’s been transformative for me – and I’m not sure in a good way. I used to think that deep down inside, I was the same person I’ve always been. Now, I’m not so sure.
I’m sad, and I’m angry. I’m anxious and take medicine daily to control my depression (thank goodness for that medication). I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me, for my girls. I try to live in the exact moment I’m in, every day – because at this point it’s what I have. I have the choice to enjoy my children just as they are right now. I have the choice to lose myself in a book for hours. I don’t daydream about the future much anymore, and I used to all the time. Now if I think of the future, I have to spend time afterward getting my anxiety in check.
All that has left me in a weird headspace, one where I’m not sure what this space will be going forward. I don’t even know that I’ll continue it at all. I’ve been debating it for months, trying to decide if this space still brings me joy, if there is still a community here at all.
Because above everything, that’s what I’m craving – community. It’s what I get out of my favorite podcast communities, what I get out of hanging out with the other dance moms, what I get from my group chat, and what I feel talking about a good book.
I miss community. How do we get back there? We need it to deal with the world. If anything, the last two years have certainly taught me that.