I Was Jealous Today

Dear SAHM friend,

I was jealous of you today.

Today, as I rushed to work this morning thinking of the day that lay ahead of me, I was jealous of the lazy summer morning you might be having. I was jealous of the early morning snuggles and pancake-making you might be enjoying, instead of a stressful commute to work.

While I enjoyed my hot coffee, I thought of you, caught in the world of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Paw Patrol, trying to squeeze in a few moments for yourself between breaking up fights and the requests for more snacks.

While I ate the healthy adult snacks and lunch I packed, I thought of you eating the leftover goldfish crackers and mac and cheese your kids left on the table that served as your lunch. And though my lunch was a bit more nutritious, I’m sure your company was better.

I rushed to get done as much as I could before leaving early for my five-year-old’s ballet recital dress rehearsal. I didn’t get nearly enough done and forgot a few things. I thought of how that affects my job and work performance, and how I feel about myself at work. I thought of how that stress isn’t a part of your life, and that a 5:30 pm dress rehearsal arrival wouldn’t take nearly so much rearranging for you.

I rushed around to buy brown mascara and blonde bobby pins for my very blonde daughter, making use of every spare second I had. I thought of how your life, while busy as well, must have a different kind of timetable, a different way of making use of that time. I thought of all the things I wish I could get done during the day that I instead have to find pockets of time for and schedule to the max. I thought about how flexible your schedule might be, and how I would handle that.

We rushed to dress rehearsal, where I dropped off my little girl to the volunteer moms backstage, slightly cringing that I just couldn’t find the time to be one of them, that I just couldn’t take on one more time commitment. I said a silent thank you to the moms that are able to take that on. I cringed again at the thought that through all of that preparation, I didn’t take a single picture of her, all ready to go.

I waited for my husband to arrive at dress rehearsal, fresh from a long commute with our 19-month old. I hate that commute, but we both do it every day, and our girls have just had to get used to it. I imagined a day where we wouldn’t have to take our toddler on a 45-minute commute – one filled with Disney songs and motion sickness prevention. I thought of how that experience is so foreign to your life, and I was jealous that your children don’t have to experience that.

I took my youngest home from there to get her to bed at a decent time, while my husband stayed with our 5-year-old. When they finally got home way past bedtime, I thought of the new day coming tomorrow, and how it wouldn’t stop just because she was tired. As we rushed through her bedtime routine, I thought of how I’ll be telling her teachers in the morning to try to get her to rest at nap time. I thought of how if I were a stay at home mom, I could simply let her sleep in tomorrow. But I’m not.

Today, my friend, I was jealous of you. So incredibly jealous of you.

I know tomorrow will come, and we will push through as we always do. I know the days will pass by. I know my kids, my husband, and I will all grow a bit more resilient and we’ll find ways to make this life work for us. We always do.

But today was a hard day. And today, SAHM friend – I was jealous of you.