It seems like it’s just meant to be a blah kind of week around here. I tend to be a pretty positive person, but I’m having one of those weeks where I just can’t seem to be. Nothing in particular is going wrong, but it just seems like nothing is going right.
I just feel like we’re not getting anywhere lately. We just seem to be going through the motions, trying to better ourselves and our situation and just not moving forward. I’m getting tired of it – tired of feeling stuck in the same place.
I do pretty much the same thing at work all day, every day. My position doesn’t really allow me to take on the things I’m interested in, and there’s all this bureaucracy that seems to separate departments. It’s frustrating when you can see the opportunities for improvement, but you can’t do anything about it because of all the red tape you’d have to get through. It’s one of the things I miss about working for a small company versus a large one – the higher ups at a smaller company are easier to access and in general more willing to let you try new things. I just feel stuck right now. I adore my boss, and I love so many of my coworkers, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes if there’s something else I’m meant to do. I really like the company I work for and think they are great at some things, but it’s hard for anyone in my department to move up or even to a different department. It’s been a bit of a downer lately and I sometimes wish things were different.
At home, it’s been the same routine all the time. Summer allows us to go outside more, but I also know the heat is only going to get worse. I do the same things all the time – come home from work, cook dinner, meal plan, go to the grocery store…and it all blurs together. I feel like I’m always doing things for my family, and it’s hard to find time for myself. I really want and need that – I want to make myself better. I need to make myself better, because it’ll only benefit my family. I just don’t know how, when, and what.
Underneath all the positivity, I carry stress. I carry worry. I worry about everything, and sometimes I worry about things to the point that I can’t think about them or I’ll have nightmares. If I happen to find myself on a stressful subject and start getting worked up, I have to actively focus my mind on something else so I don’t get to that point. When did this happen? When did I become such a worrier? I was even like this before Abbie, so I can’t even say it was her.
I just feel like at this point in my life, I should be farther along. I should be more successful. We should be making more money. We should be able to take vacations (we haven’t really had one since our honeymoon). We shouldn’t have to worry about spending hours in traffic depending on where we decide to live (sometimes I hate the DC area for this reason alone). I shouldn’t have to be paying off my student loans for the next 30 years. And that’s just a snapshot – I feel like there’s so many things I should be doing better at, and I’m just not.
I don’t really know what’s bringing all of this up today – maybe it’s that I graduated high school 12 years ago today. At that point, I had so many dreams for my life, and it all ended up differently than I expected. It’s hard to not get caught up in what I thought would be sometimes.
I try to appreciate all the good things I have – most notably, my husband and daughter, my family, my in-laws, my best friends – but sometimes I just have a rough couple of days. I’m sure that happens to everyone and I’m not alone…but it’s hard to talk about.
So that’s where I’m at this week…if you made it this far, thanks for reading my rambles. I’m hoping I can get myself out of this funk sooner rather than later.